Healing trauma and depression takes resilience and determination. A psychiatrist once told me he was surprised I was still here after I told him my story. I was incredulous and asked, “What else was I gonna do?”
Despite how low I got, how suicidal I felt, how much I wanted to be swallowed by the earth and fade into oblivion, there was a part of me that kept pushing, kept going, wouldn’t allow me to give up. I didn’t know what it was until I was well into my healing process. That was determination. A dogged determination to keep going no matter what.
My mental health recovery was fueled by determination and resilience when all I wanted to do was give up and stop existing. Self-empowerment was my path to healing. I experienced the frustrating dichotomy of wanting to give up, and refusing to stop. I tried many times, told myself “I quit”, wanted to hide away until it was all over and I could go home (never mind that I WAS home). No matter how many times I said or did this I kept showing up, kept getting out of bed, kept trying, kept going, even when it felt pointless. If people were watching, giving up was never an option. I wouldn’t ever submit myself to that perceived humiliation.
When it comes to healing, especially when pulling ourselves out of the lowest places, we need that determination. That inner drive to push forth and overcome and achieve. I didn’t know what I was working towards, it was an intangible idea, the idea of Whole Being Wellness. I couldn’t have told you what it meant, what it would look like, how it would feel, but I knew in the depths of my being it’s what I wanted, so it’s what I strived for.
The process was slow and grueling, it often felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I felt like no progress had been made, no evidence of success, still I pushed through, pushed on, never giving up, never surrendering. Some days I’d sit and feel everything awful I had ever experienced, some days I would rage and scream, some days I’d cry. I journaled. I reflected. I meditated. I burned candles. I took ritual baths. I hugged trees. I said affirmations. I said mantras. I sent intentions. Day after day after day after day I kept showing up in whatever capacity I could, even when all I wanted was to just stop, lay down, and forget everything. Even when I wanted to quit there was something inside of me, some small part of me that pushed me on, urged me to keep going. So I did.
Over time changes happened. My mindset shifted. The way I saw myself shifted. The way I felt about myself and my life shifted. Things that had previously triggered me no longer had an effect. Gradually my life got better, my relationships improved, my self care improved. I was happier in my life, overall. The depression lifted, anxiety melted, and I was no longer triggered. I began to feel at ease in life. I laughed more and allowed myself to show up and be seen. One day my dad told me how noticeable my growth and healing was, that he had been worried about me, but now he could see the changes in my life. I went from being on disability ready to stop existing to happy, thriving, and working full time. Still the dogged determination persists, pushes me onward, urges me to accomplish my goals.
It is determination that will carry you through the dark night. Sometimes in the dark while healing from depression it feels like there is no way out, no end in sight, no guiding light. Self-empowerment and inner strength can lead you forward, they can show you your own guiding light. Find your determination, hold on to it and let it push you forward. Determination will carry you through when motivation and inspiration and excitement fade or can’t be found. Determination will push you to reach places you can’t yet imagine, it will keep you going when it’s all you have left to lean on.